Can we just get along?

 

I love it when I see a simple model that does so much to organize thoughts around extremely complex problems. This model represents a conflict resolution.  It goes like this:

In the far right hand upper square of Our Way we have a good state of people getting along. They are assertive. Assertive means you have permission to use your knowledge. You have the power to feel comfortable being assertive. You self esteem is good and you know your stuff. You are also concerned for the other party in your environment. They care about what you are doing and you care about what happens to them. In short you are cooperating and collaborating in what ever project you are doing. It is truly the sweet spot of where we want to be.

The other three squares are problem areas which have conflicts to be resolved.

Lets take avoidance, or the No Way square. How many times have we seen this? One party is overly assertive and does not have concern for the other party. The other party has no power to speak up or little self esteem to bring up contrary opinions, nor can they assert themselves. So the No Way party will nod heads and smile and say sure I'll do that. Then never do it and avoid the conflict. There is no cooperation, care or concern that failure will occur. This is the most difficult square to get people to move into the Our Way square. They have two factors to move.

Now let's move to the Your Way.  One of the parties lacks power to be assertive and cannot voice opinions. Some how the weaker party still thinks the other is concerned for their well being and will do what they want. They accommodate the assertive opposing party and have a partial cooperation. Feedback from the lower assertive party never makes it up to the top. As a matter of fact they may even withhold valuable feedback.  It plays out in real life when one party knows something will not work, but goes along with You Way only to stand by and watch it fail. This square is dangerous until the assertive party acknowledges the other has valuable knowledge to consider and provides recognition. That improves self esteem and the parties move toward the Our Way Square.

The last square is My Way. As the title suggests one party is powerful and assertive with no concern or care for the other party. It is truly my way or the highway. This square hands out orders and unilateral commands. It disregards the other parties knowledge and power to communicate their concerns. However the other party is capable of being assertive as well. This is where sparks really fly. Two parties capable of speaking up and asserting them selves in the conflict. However both parties have no concern for the well being of the other. Sounds like divorce doesn't it? Usually in My Way the leading party will win and get their way. To resolve this conflict (other than divorce) the two parties must begin to care about the concerns of each other. Once concerns can be negotiated, the parties can move toward Our Way.

Sometimes we never totally move to the Our Way square and conflicts settle in to compromise. There remains non optimum concern for each other and there remains problems with assertiveness and self esteem. All the parties in the conflict do not want to budge on sharing knowledge or information that would totally resolve conflicts. So the parties never move to the Our Way square.

Our Way is the optimum sweet spot. How do you resolve your conflicts? How are you moving your positions to Our Way?

Do you have a Sadhu in your life?

The Parable of the Sadhu has been a required case study in ethics for many b-school students. I had to study ethics at some point in my educational background  and was introduced to the story.

The case goes something like this: A Wall Street money dude goes to Himalayas to climb his mountain and runs into an old "Sadhu" on the ice pack in near death condition. A Sadhu is a spiritual person who shuns clothing and complicated ways and practices meditation and yoga. So the climbing party puts some clothing on the Sadhu and passes him off to the Japanese climbers, who then pass him off again after giving him some tea. Eventually the Wall Street dude's buddy takes the Sadhu down to a better elevation and points him in the direction of safety. No one wanted to stop and help because they were on their own difficult  journey. Wall Street guy gets haunted later when back in New York about his greedy selfish actions.

I think the actual case is now owned by Harvard Business Review and so if you want real knowledge of The Parable of the Sadhu, you have to pay them for it.

Thinking -we can still do for free.

 

 

Of course there is a method to my madness, I have a Sadhu right now I am tripping over. Someone in my summer exercise class is getting increasingly forgetful. No, not like losing the keys, or forgetting where you left your glasses, this is real forgetfulness. You see the rest of my community of friends take the class all year round, and I take during the summer only. So I can see the decline from year to year where my friends cannot.

 

What do I do? Does she have family? I met her mom at exercise class last Christmas, so she must have family. What if I intervene and upset her natural routine of getting on the community bus and spending the day exercising? What if she wanders away from the facility when it is dangerously hot or freezing? Lately she can loose her way back to her exercise chair spot. It's a real possibility. 

 

This Sadhu of mine is haunting me. Ethical decisions are difficult to make. So many would say it's not your business, stay out. Or that's HIPPA privacy territory, you cannot discuss medical conditions of people. And the most frequent of them all----it's not your responsibility.

 

Who are we accountable to if not to our fellow human beings? Since when do we need to be assigned responsibility? I thought that was a birth right. You take care of those in need. Don't you?

 

Do you see the person holding the cup out or do you blindly look past the ruffled disheveled person asking for help? Do you rationalize that they must have tons of disability income or social security? Do you reason that you paid your social security taxes and that took care of your responsibility? Can you actually look into the eyes of the beggar?

 

 

 

 

I am beginning to think we all have a Sadhu somewhere in our lives, but we are so keen on getting to where we are going that we don't see the Sadhu. Where is this temporary trip on earth taking you?

 

Blind Faith

Besides a nice restaurant in Evanston, what do we mean by blind faith. What is faith? I am not just speaking of the religious experience.  What do we believe in that we cannot see, yet we have faith. If I begin reflecting on this word, I know that faith in Spanish is two simple letters: "fe."  Can a word so simple have such deep meaning and wonder?

Is faith something we can rely upon and trust? Do we have faith in the monetary system? I heard a politician once say in defense of his monetary indiscretions, that he had no faith in the monetary system. I wondered why I should have any faith in the political system. In ancient Greece, faith translated to mean: trusted, reliable, of firm persuasion, to be counted on at all times, loyal.

Have you ever embarked on a project that was blazing new ground and you were not sure you could do it? But you relied upon faith to get you through the project. Faith that other people would behave appropriately. Faith that the system would support your project. Faith that decisions made would be the correct ones and when not that they would be recognized and changeable to correct ones. Faith that people will be flexible and adaptable to change that a new project brings. Blind faith.

Placing your faith in other humans can be a risky thing. We have faith that people will embrace diversity in people, yet we are constantly disappointed in the news just about everyday. Faith is sticking to the belief regardless of the disappointment around you. Faith is trusting bankers even after they caused the mortgage meltdown.

There is a story in archeology that when they dug up the city of Pompeii, they found people cowered in basements and hiding in rooftops, but only the Roman soldier was buried in the hot gaseous ash standing guard at his post. Faith is a consistency in your character. It borders on stubbornness and it is hard to tell the difference. Acting with faith is for other humans, things, ideas, and stubbornness is just an all about me attitude.

Faith is what Steve Jobs and Bill Gates relied upon when they quit their jobs at Hewlett Packard after getting turned down to develop personal computers. Faith is what launched FedEx and DHL into the standard of shipping today. Faith is at the core of many Black Swan events.

Things can never be right 100% of the time. Faith gets us through the failures of man. (collectively speaking men and women)  According to Robert Strand, an author of Nine Fruits of the Spirit, if things were right 99.9% of the time there would be:

• 2 unsafe landings at O'Hare every day
• 16,000 pieces of lost mail every hour
• 500 incorrect surgeries every week
• 50 babies dropped on the delivery floor every day
• and 20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions every year

I have often wondered if the waitress at the restaurant was just picking on me when the order came incorrect. Somehow even with disappointments and failures we maintain a faith is systems that all will turn out well. The stronger our faith in a spiritual being , or faith is God, (whatever your choosing) the more we should be able to see that the incorrect meal that waitress delivered was meant for us. That a higher spiritual being caused us to miss that plane. If we truly have faith in our lives there is a surprising release of negative energy from failed expectations.

Accepting faith actions from others, and acting faithfully toward others is the balance of living in blind faith. What do you believe in that you cannot see yet trust?

+TmC