Can we just get along?

 

I love it when I see a simple model that does so much to organize thoughts around extremely complex problems. This model represents a conflict resolution.  It goes like this:

In the far right hand upper square of Our Way we have a good state of people getting along. They are assertive. Assertive means you have permission to use your knowledge. You have the power to feel comfortable being assertive. You self esteem is good and you know your stuff. You are also concerned for the other party in your environment. They care about what you are doing and you care about what happens to them. In short you are cooperating and collaborating in what ever project you are doing. It is truly the sweet spot of where we want to be.

The other three squares are problem areas which have conflicts to be resolved.

Lets take avoidance, or the No Way square. How many times have we seen this? One party is overly assertive and does not have concern for the other party. The other party has no power to speak up or little self esteem to bring up contrary opinions, nor can they assert themselves. So the No Way party will nod heads and smile and say sure I'll do that. Then never do it and avoid the conflict. There is no cooperation, care or concern that failure will occur. This is the most difficult square to get people to move into the Our Way square. They have two factors to move.

Now let's move to the Your Way.  One of the parties lacks power to be assertive and cannot voice opinions. Some how the weaker party still thinks the other is concerned for their well being and will do what they want. They accommodate the assertive opposing party and have a partial cooperation. Feedback from the lower assertive party never makes it up to the top. As a matter of fact they may even withhold valuable feedback.  It plays out in real life when one party knows something will not work, but goes along with You Way only to stand by and watch it fail. This square is dangerous until the assertive party acknowledges the other has valuable knowledge to consider and provides recognition. That improves self esteem and the parties move toward the Our Way Square.

The last square is My Way. As the title suggests one party is powerful and assertive with no concern or care for the other party. It is truly my way or the highway. This square hands out orders and unilateral commands. It disregards the other parties knowledge and power to communicate their concerns. However the other party is capable of being assertive as well. This is where sparks really fly. Two parties capable of speaking up and asserting them selves in the conflict. However both parties have no concern for the well being of the other. Sounds like divorce doesn't it? Usually in My Way the leading party will win and get their way. To resolve this conflict (other than divorce) the two parties must begin to care about the concerns of each other. Once concerns can be negotiated, the parties can move toward Our Way.

Sometimes we never totally move to the Our Way square and conflicts settle in to compromise. There remains non optimum concern for each other and there remains problems with assertiveness and self esteem. All the parties in the conflict do not want to budge on sharing knowledge or information that would totally resolve conflicts. So the parties never move to the Our Way square.

Our Way is the optimum sweet spot. How do you resolve your conflicts? How are you moving your positions to Our Way?

Do you have a Sadhu in your life?

The Parable of the Sadhu has been a required case study in ethics for many b-school students. I had to study ethics at some point in my educational background  and was introduced to the story.

The case goes something like this: A Wall Street money dude goes to Himalayas to climb his mountain and runs into an old "Sadhu" on the ice pack in near death condition. A Sadhu is a spiritual person who shuns clothing and complicated ways and practices meditation and yoga. So the climbing party puts some clothing on the Sadhu and passes him off to the Japanese climbers, who then pass him off again after giving him some tea. Eventually the Wall Street dude's buddy takes the Sadhu down to a better elevation and points him in the direction of safety. No one wanted to stop and help because they were on their own difficult  journey. Wall Street guy gets haunted later when back in New York about his greedy selfish actions.

I think the actual case is now owned by Harvard Business Review and so if you want real knowledge of The Parable of the Sadhu, you have to pay them for it.

Thinking -we can still do for free.

 

 

Of course there is a method to my madness, I have a Sadhu right now I am tripping over. Someone in my summer exercise class is getting increasingly forgetful. No, not like losing the keys, or forgetting where you left your glasses, this is real forgetfulness. You see the rest of my community of friends take the class all year round, and I take during the summer only. So I can see the decline from year to year where my friends cannot.

 

What do I do? Does she have family? I met her mom at exercise class last Christmas, so she must have family. What if I intervene and upset her natural routine of getting on the community bus and spending the day exercising? What if she wanders away from the facility when it is dangerously hot or freezing? Lately she can loose her way back to her exercise chair spot. It's a real possibility. 

 

This Sadhu of mine is haunting me. Ethical decisions are difficult to make. So many would say it's not your business, stay out. Or that's HIPPA privacy territory, you cannot discuss medical conditions of people. And the most frequent of them all----it's not your responsibility.

 

Who are we accountable to if not to our fellow human beings? Since when do we need to be assigned responsibility? I thought that was a birth right. You take care of those in need. Don't you?

 

Do you see the person holding the cup out or do you blindly look past the ruffled disheveled person asking for help? Do you rationalize that they must have tons of disability income or social security? Do you reason that you paid your social security taxes and that took care of your responsibility? Can you actually look into the eyes of the beggar?

 

 

 

 

I am beginning to think we all have a Sadhu somewhere in our lives, but we are so keen on getting to where we are going that we don't see the Sadhu. Where is this temporary trip on earth taking you?

 

Living in the truth

How difficult is it to live in the truth?
I am not talking church stuff here. Just plain being honest with yourself? Have you been using people? Do you manipulate people with half truths and outright lies? How much time do people spend creating the false image of what is happening with them or around them? The maintenance time alone is extraordinary. When you live in the truth you have tons of time to accomplish things. Some great things some just simple meaningful things that have a positive impact on humanity.

I have encountered people who create entire holograms of their reality and it saps their energy of everyday life. Holograms of reality take energy to stay up or they will fade away. I have always wondered what that person could be or become if they were not so plugged into an energy wasting hologram?

Problems occur when you live in the truth and you begin to see truth and light shines on the real reality you are observing or par-taking. For one thing, those who are spending energy on false realities are really adamantly opposed to hearing your truth as it might cause their hologram to collapse.

Being truthful is different from having beliefs. We can and do, have beliefs in what we cannot see, touch, or hear. If we believe in God, everlasting life, spiritual souls, even positive energy healing, we have beliefs in something that is unseen. We rely on testaments of others to believe.

When you do not live in the truth how do you expect people to ever believe in you? Question reality was an old saying from the 60's. I guess it is ok to question reality, but to try to destroy someone's false hologram of their reality is unproductive. So many of us do service to people who by reinforcing and playing along with their manipulation of people and reality. It's really not worth the energy in some cases. But will people ever believe in them? Will people acknowledge them as leaders? Will they ever be able to put their energy to good use to be so recognized that others will give testament. That is the sad part of a false reality. We die without ever really being known.